Lobster Done Right and then The Follies

Before dinner, we stopped by the port and cheese spread that the hotel has put out every day and we have missed every day. There were still people there, but no wine and no cheese. Missed it again!

We met one of the Fair organizers there – a girl who had strongly suggested last year that I drop the wig and go with my own hair. She is a really sweet person and she’s still giving me hair advice. Thanks V!

We stayed a while and talked, but we had to go before we ended up without dinner again, so we made our excuses and were on our way back to the Lobster Pot for a proper lobster dinner this time.

The Peach Cosmo I had was properly pink, but a really lame drink, it must be said. Fortunately, they are much more expert in their handling of lobster, which was succulent and sweet and altogether yummy. I do love Surf and Turf, and they offer a nice deal on a steak as an add-on to the lobster, so we saved a bit of money by ordering that instead of two lobster dinners. We started with lobster bisque and shrimp cocktail.

Shrimp cocktail is a noble appetizer, and these shrimp were quite delicious. But, the best thing about shrimp cocktail has always been the pornographic playfulness you can have with it. Have a look… (almost got caught, hee hee!)

The lobster is a tactile and undignified animalistic experience, breaking shells and sucking out flesh… but utterly sensuous too! Messy, loud, butter glistening on your lips and fingers, and the haunting taste of this delicacy, made all the better with a little flute of champagne. We were having a special occasion, no doubt… you could tell by the bibs we were wearing… very distinguished!

We finished up just in time to walk over to the Follies Talent Show. No doubt, there’s pretty fair talent within the group. The lip-synching is generally not my fave but the song selection and stage presence made it very entertaining; I don’t know where they found these peculiar, funny and musically enjoyable songs. There were also original acts, musical, comedic and dramatic. And there was a serious side to all this; the show raised money for a local aids organization. One of our friends who is involved with it got up on stage to encourage donations and revealed that she has been HIV-positive for a number of years…She’s fine, but the medication she has to take is so very expensive and government programs don’t cover everything, so donations are critical.

My friend from the wine and cheese affair came to the show vamped up in a slinky red number and ready to do what was necessary to get her bucket filled with contributions for the cause. For my little donation, I got a delicious kiss and a smile; I’ll be making that contribution again, you can be sure!

During the intermission I was fooling around with camera taking pics of myself when I get tapped on the shoulder and look around to see a semi-familiar face in reddish hair. “Tracy,” she says, smiling – and I immediately recognize last year’s striking blond as this equally fetching redhead. (See my story from last year.) I was so happy to see her, but we only got to talk for a couple of minutes before the second half of the show started. Pretty well all we had time for besides the warm hellos was for her to encourage me to come to First Event and for me to encourage her to make the trip to Las Vegas. (See Viva Las Vegas, Baby!) I didn’t see her again after the show, but I held out hope that she’d show up later at the hospitality suite as she had last year. She didn’t.

I have to say that this was the first time during the trip that a relationship I had from last year did not improve substantially during my time at the Fair this year… and she was one of the people I was most looking forward to seeing! It just goes to show you that things never turn out as planned, and often they turn out so much better! People I had met only briefly last year have become so generous and friendly to me and I reciprocated these feelings completely. The deepening of these relationships is the most profound thing I will take home with me from this trip, and I hope to see these people during the year and again next year.

Dinner for Four

On our way to dinner, we met up with a couple of the Fantasia stalwarts in the hotel bar. They were enjoying a quiet drink but we struck up an easy conversation and could have talked for hours if not for the fact that we had to get ready for dinner. I didn’t even get a chance to do my hair properly or shave but threw on one of my newly bought dresses, and newly bought shoes, and looked pretty nice if I don’t say so myself.

Dinner was pleasant and it was nice to see a couple that seemed in a lot more trouble last year on the road to reconciliation. There is still quite a hill to climb, but they’re on the road. Still, you can feel the stress as you touch the points of contention, but they do seem to love each other, so whether they end up back together or remain apart, it looks hopeful that they will still have each other, which is great.

We’re tired – did I mention that before? So we’re finally going to make an early night of it!

Wardrobe Problem

(Getting back to Provincetown and Fantasia Fair)

The next day, I got up with a wardrobe problem. I really had nothing appropriate to wear for this couples’ dinner we were now invited to. We seemed to bring so much more stuff than for Atlanta, but somehow we had so much less! Weird!

A local friend of ours has a clothing shop called Wardrobe that was having a 50% off sale, so went to see him to see if we could solve our problem.

Turns out, we ended up with an even more serious Wardrobe problem!

The guy only stocks one of each dress, and yet, every dress I picked out and tried on not only fit me like Cinderella, but looked really, really good! I’ll show them all of to you over time, you can be sure!

We were there for hours, spending both cash and time we needed for other things. We walked out with a pile of dresses, wigs, hats, accessories… thank goodness we weren’t flying! All that stuff barely fit in our car!

Now, when am I going to get my chill-time, my thinking time, my down-time?

Naughty HallowQueen Nurse

I am going back to writing about Fantasia Fair here, but I have lots to show and a little to say about Halloween, so please visit my slightly racier blog NaughtyCDJanie, where you can find everything about my 2009 Halloween experience.

Pre-Halloween Party No. 2

…continued from Pre-Halloween Partying

Our next stop was a Kink-Fetish Halloween Party held at a local swingers club. Here, that means that, well, you don’t have to find a hotel room…

Again, it was quite dead – somewhat appropriate for Halloween, I guess, if you think about it…

Interestingly, I don’t think I have seen that many crossdressers or t-girls at this club ever before, even when the place is packed. Not that there were that many… I’d say 5. Usually, there aren’t more than 2, and in this case, we were maybe 10% of the club.

Determined not to act in my usual shy fashion, I simply walked up to one that looked nice and introduced myself, and said, “Hi, my name is Janie.” The pretty thing replied in a deep voice, “My name is Kevin.”

To be fair, he’s a beginner, and he’s shy. I know very well how that is. If not for my exposure to Fantasia Fair and Southern Comfort, I wouldn’t have known what to say to him, and I would probably have been behaving pretty much like he was.

BTW, I am referring to this person as “he” because that is how he referred to himself. In fact, when it came time to use the restroom, he had to be talked out of going to the Men’s Room. Even in a dress, he sees himself as a man, and that’s fine if it works for him… it can even be kinda sexy – I’m finding out all kinds of new things about myself, the little perverted girl that I am! (More about that another time.)

So, I asked him a few questions about his experience and tried to find something he was comfortable talking about. It wasn’t easy to get him to talk about his experiences as a girl, but he was there with a friend, a striking, exotic beauty whose outgoing smile and nature complemented his shyness. The four of us got along pretty well, and it turned into a very nice night. She was so sweet, and seemed to find me to be a very attractive girl – and you know how much that means to me. Truth be told, I think she liked the guy inside at least as much if not more, but she never mentioned it. Just my intuition.

There was a little petting, a little pole-dancing and a little drinking – shots they bought us apparently called “Assholes”, though they looked more like a frothy glass of, well… I just don’t want to be that vulgar!

The two of them are into expanding their horizons, trying new things and new attitudes, and among these is experimenting with gender. That explains a bit of his attitude, and I think it’s cool! That kind of openness makes for wonderful discovery and surprising new friends and experiences. Unfortunately, the night was getting away from us, and further discovery of those experiences will have to wait for another time.

Pre-Halloween Partying

T’was the night before Halloween,
And all through the town,
So many parties
But attendance was down.

Could be the weather
Or fear of the flu,
Was plenty of room
On the dancefloor for you.

But you didn’t come
And neither did she,
So instead, hear what happened
From li’l ol’ me!

I know I’m going to get a Pulitzer for that one!

Anyhoo, we interrupt my Fantasia Fair post-mortem to bring you my current Halloween experiences. The Fantasia stuff is already so “after-the-fact” that it can stand to be delayed for a few more days, but this stuff is hot off the presses! (Well, at least it’s off the presses…)

Last year we missed a lot of the parties and so we were determined to go to a few this year.

But, what to wear? So many days spent out of town at t-girl conventions, there was no time to prepare. I did pick up this fabulous PVC corset dress in Provincetown, but I thought I might save that for Saturday’s big bash, or even fetish nights in the winter. Besides, the temperature was up a bit, so I wanted to show off my legs! I came up with this bandage-wrapped zombie, wearing a dress that looks like it has been wrapped in white tape, one boot and one shoe, ripped stockings, gauze on my head and red eyes, smeared lipstick and pale makeup.

I was a bit worried that it was incomprehensible and lame, but figured at least it was sexy.

We started off the celebration by going to a downtown club. Apparently, their really big Halloween Bash is… get this… on Halloween! On the plus side, it was cheap to get in, there was free candy, and lots of room to take pics and dance.

So, that’s what we did.

But we didn’t stay too long, because we wanted to make it to another party where raunchier things tend to happen.

As we were walking out the door, one of the guys that works there chased me down and said, “OMG, I thought you were a girl the whole time you were dancing… it didn’t occur to me until you walked out. Fabulous, just fabulous!”

Now maybe I should have taken it as the compliment it was intended to be – and I was happy that my dancing was feminine, because I was concentrating on it – but my walk outed me!?!!? Damn! I guess I forgot myself, because I think I walk pretty damn femme! Still, if I’m not thinking about it, maybe the shoulders hunch and the steps get too large. I’ll take the comment as a reminder that it’s still not natural to me and I have to always remember that I’m a lady (when I am).

In that spirit, I stood tall and straight, elbows in, shoulders down, neck up, and did my best walk down the stairs and out to the car. Across the street, a guy gave me a wanton look. A few steps later, a couple of pretty and young girls sitting on some stairs on the side of the street called out to me, saying, “Ooohh sexy!” and, less than a minute later, a bunch of guys in a car hollered at me “Nice outfit!”

I got to the car in better spirits, needless to say.

Perspective and Pinball at Fantasia

The Fashion Show is one of the two events with some buzz at the Fair. They are open to the public, and the townsfolk lap it up! Both raise money for local charities.

I have commented last year, and it bears repeating, that the girls in the Fashion Show get a rare thrill – to be applauded and shown public love from a large group of people – and all they have to do is muster up the guts to walk to the end of the runway and back. It’s a coming out party of sorts, and gives the girls a boost of confidence. It is one thing to walk around town and hope no one notices you; quite another to stand on stage and say to the world, “Here I am!”

Not that I am minimizing in any way the tremendous feeling a timid and closeted girl can get from walking along the town streets. For me, that was at least as important as the Fashion Show because it was such a simple, normal thing to do that I had not done before. Simple and mundane can be boring – mostly because you do it all the time without thinking – but when you can’t do the simple and mundane, they become a very big deal!

Sitting in the crowd, it was nice to enjoy the show from a different perspective – no pressure, no attending practices – and there were a number of girls who had participated last year who were now in the crowd with the same idea. It was nice seeing them again and reminiscing about our experience backstage and what the new girls are going through.

Watching the show, I recognized one of the girls as a girl I had met once at home. She was on cloud nine after doing this and is going through much the same experience I did last year, with the same attitude of trying everything. I’m sure when I meet her back home, she will be a different person than she was the last time.

Another of the models was the girl who was directly in front of me in the show last year. We had lots of time to talk last year waiting to go on stage. She was back again for a return engagement and looked just fine. Thing is, she’s very comfortable as a woman and experienced in being on stage, so it’s almost too easy for her.

We caught up with her after the show and she was glad to see us even though she didn’t remember our names; truth be told, if they hadn’t introduced her on stage, I wouldn’t have remembered hers either… but why should that stop me from making her feel bad, right? J You meet so many people at these things that remembering names is an overwhelming task. No offense can be taken for forgetting, that’s for sure.

When we met up with her, she had picked up an admirer who was trying his best to be more than friendly. We all walked up the hill together, talking, and Admirer, who evidently is not very particular, started flirting with me since our friend’s attention was being occupied by my GF. For him one tranny is as good as the next, I guess. Convenient then that the wine and cheese party we were going to was a private affair, so it was easy to ditch him.

It turns out, as I think it may have last year also, that the wine and cheese party was actually a port and dessert party. Nothing wrong with that, but we hadn’t had dinner. Even though I didn’t have to get ready for the show this year, or attend rehearsal, and even though we ended up at the only late-night eatery in town – Spiritus Pizza – both the first and second nights, I didn’t manage to make time for dinner before the show, so we had little choice but to go for pizza for the third straight night.

Going back there for pizza with her was reminiscent of last year when we and other models from the Fashion Show went out to eat after the show and had a grand old time getting to know each other. She was very easy to talk to then, and this year, with only the three of us at the pizza joint, we seemed to pick up where we left off. It turns out that our friend, who had announced to us last year that s/he and his wife were separating after a long marriage and it didn’t look good, was far more hopeful this year, and amazingly, with time to gain distance and perspective, she agreed to come along to the Fair! We were so happy for them!

As it happens, the stories I heard this year about people’s situations generally were a lot more positive than last year, when pretty much exclusively the refrain was, “My wife found out, we’re getting divorced.” Or, “I can’t take living in the closet any more and my wife can’t cope – we’re getting a divorce.” This year, first off, a number of t-girls that came alone last year brought their wives along. And, second, the stories were more hopeful.

On the way back to the hotel, our friend invited us to join them for dinner tomorrow night, and we’re plenty looking forward to it.

She went to join her wife in their room, and we went into the bar to see what was shakin’. Not much, it turns out, so I had a go at the pinball machine and did pretty well – won 2 free games! (… even if I may not have looked very ladylike in the process…)

More interesting was the surprising approach from a Fantasia acquaintance of ours. We stayed at the same hotel last year and met her and her wife now and again for breakfast – and later in the week, we also met another couple with whom they are friends – but they seemed never more than civil to us and we found it hard to carry on a conversation with them. We just assumed they weren’t interested in us. We met them again at Southern Comfort with a similar experience. I don’t know if that has changed for some reason, or if they just came off distant because they were shy, but it’s nice to finally be friends.

Coming Clean

This is supposed to be my week of R&R, and half-way through I’ve still not remotely caught up on my sleep. I tend to need close to 8 hours generally, but for some reason I’m waking up after about six.

The multiple coffees and cocktails might have something to do with it, I guess.

With the Fashion Show tonight and being in and around town, I expect to run into many more people – old acquaintances and new – and as much as I needed the rest and relax, I may very well be more concerned about the bags under my eyes, which are making me look very old and tired indeed. No amount of concealer seems to be able to disguise my fatigue. How vain a girl am I?

For once – it has been a long time – I started the day off right, by eating oatmeal for breakfast and then going for a run. We ran out to the west end through a lovely neighborhood with nice homes and cottages for rent on the beach – beautiful. Note to self: keep these in mind for a future visit. Also stopped for a photo op on the rocks near the lighthouse.

Exercising felt so good, as did the long slow stretching afterward.

Then, I stepped into the shower.

Our room has this wonderful shower unlike any I had been in before. There is the usual massaging showerhead above, but there are two strategically placed jets on the opposite wall… So, you are drenched in water from front and back… The higher jet was positioned so it hit me between the shoulder blades while the lower one pulsated against my lower back. It didn’t take me long to realize that if I just got up on my tippie toes and leaned forward, well… ooohh!… I mean, I’ve just got to put one of these in my home!

Emerging from the shower in a comfy robe, I could have slept the afternoon away just then, but there were things that had to get done.

First, we had lunch – a characteristically middle-of-the-road yet highly fattening affair – and then went to the Fantasia office to see about registering.

All along, we debated whether or not to register for the Fair. We wanted to support the event and be part of the group, but considering our intention for very limited participation, it really wasn’t worth it for us to spend the kind of money we expected it would cost. In the end, we figured we would be open and let them know where we were at and see what their reaction was. They were incredibly understanding and accommodating.

It was very much like my experience last year, when I was happy to pay the full load and participate fully, but I didn’t want to give them my real name. They allowed me to register anyway and accepted cash at the door and never demanded more information from me than I was comfortable providing. They truly bend over backwards to allow all of us to participate with the highest degree of comfort and acceptance. That’s the spirit of Fantasia!

Credentials in hand, we were off to the Purple Feather Coffee Shop for some reading/thinking/coffee until it was time to go see the Fashion Show.

Lobster Pot on the Beach

Tranny Week aside, Provincetown is a wonderful place. A small town on the Cape, with beaches and shops and a nice warm feel.

Among its charms is the seafood, and one of the standard-bearers in this regard is the Lobster Pot.

We went there thinking we’d have dinner, but the menu was a bit overwhelming so we started with a drink. In our short time here, we have found more inventive drink menus here than in the vast majority of big-city bars we’ve been to.

Nice cocktails and a view of the beach… now this is the life!

Our waiter returned and enticed us into ordering appetizers – famous clam chowder and a lobster-avocado salad. Yum!

We lingered over our view and our seafood and our drinks for a while… When the waiter returned seeking our main-course order, we felt a little bad for him that we had been quite satisfied with what we’d already had and were not going to order any more. He seemed fine with it, and we’ll probably be back to have that main course later in the week.

Cycle of Support

Our new lesbian friend finally got her wish – she had wanted to propose to her girlfriend at a karaoke bar in town in front of everyone, and finally the girlfriend relented and agreed to go.

Naturally, they invited us along.

When we got there, they made a beeline for the bar to get more liquid courage into their systems, while we ran into some long-lost friends.

One of the great things about Fantasia Fair – the best thing in fact – is that you make friends so easily and these people are like old schoolmates that you can always talk to, even after years apart.

Among the girls there were two gals who really helped me out last year when I was just finding my legs, encouraging me to participate in the Fashion Show and making it so easy and fun. More than being teachers, mentors, guides – I’m not sure what to call it – they had a genuine caring and affection for me – and all the girls. Now, they are just sweet wonderful friends of mine at the Fair. And my life is richer for knowing them, even if I only get to see them for a few days a year.

There was also a young girl who was even shyer than I was last year and had declined to participate in the fashion show, but had mustered the courage to do it this year. Her confidence had grown over the year, and she even managed to meet a girl who loves her with full knowledge of her feminine side.

New girls were also around and being quickly embraced into the group. Timid and hesitant as we were last year, I felt happily obliged to comfort and encourage them, to learn their stories and relate whatever experiences of mine that I thought might help them. This cycle of support is what sustains the Fair, and makes it special.

Before I knew it, we were talking and catching up and having a grand old time, and three hours had passed. I’m not really sure what happened to the happy couple, but they were nowhere to be found.

We closed the bar, so the whole bunch of us moseyed on over to the town’s late night pizza joint and ordered a pizza and sat and talked some more. Tranny war stories, movies, personal experiences, teasing, joking… it was great. Lots of laughter and warmth… smiles all around.

We got to bed by 3 am, which was only about 4 hours later than we’d hoped, since we were really tired and wanted to make it an early night.

He’s a Lying, Cheating Homo

Continuing my story from last night, our lesbian friend did manage to propose to her belle, and near as I could tell, the answer was yes. I say this because champagne was offered around and I saw them hugging. But she still didn’t seem satisfied for some reason…

She also was still perplexed by my existence and so was her fiancée. “You’re straight, right?” asked the lesbian fiancée.

“Well,” I said, “that depends on what you mean by being straight.”

“I mean, you’ve never slept with a man,” she replied, without the slightest hesitation or awareness of how odd it was to be saying such a thing to a woman… or the slightest consideration or empathy for how that might make someone who is trying to be a woman feel.

I’m not the type to let poor manners bother me generally, but I did find it a bit rich that this lesbian, who craves and demands acceptance for who and what she is, should so brazenly disregard my appearance and treat me as she would any regular man.

“Yup, straight then,” I answered, much to her chagrin. But I knew where she was going with this, so, after a pause, I fed her some ammunition just for fun. “But, as a straight woman, I can’t help thinking about what it would be like…”

I’m a bit of a devil, and I was toying with her; she jumped in with both feet. She went over to my GF to discuss my homosexual tendencies with her, hoping to protect her from her lying, cheating, dishonest man – aren’t all men just beneath contempt?

It was delicious.

“You’re straight, right?

“Yes.”

“But he wants to sleep with a man!” came the epic revelation (and notice the pronoun again, BTW).

“That’s what straight girls do.” GF said, non-plussed, setting her straight on my gender in the process.

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Hell no! You gotta have variety, and I have everything, man and woman. Think of all the possibilities!” And then, the tables turned, “What puzzles me is why you’d want to be a lesbian. No variety at all. You’re a woman, she’s a woman… everything’s the same…”

Sometimes it pays to be a devil…

What a Difference a Year Makes

I arrived in Provincetown last night, tired and fighting a cold.

Tonight, I’m at Bayside Betsy’s bar listening to cheesy Olivia Newton-John tunes like “If you love me let me know, if you don’t then let me go…” and Neil Diamond, and drinking a very delicious Ginger Collins – a Tom Collins with a kick of ginger – very good.

I expect that tomorrow, I will go over to the Fantasia Fair registration office and say hello to those I know and tell them that I’d like to maybe have lunch with them a couple of times and attend a few of their shows, but that I won’t be registering for the conference or attending any of the galas or seminars.

Last year, I was excited to participate in everything and meet everyone. This year, my intention is to chill out, rest, and think about my future as this dual-gendered person. I am so much more comfortable as Janie than I was last year, and I am so much closer to knowing who I am and what I want.

Being both male and female is intoxicating and a great deal of fun for me!

A girl came over to me and my GF and struck up a conversation. She was tossing around the idea of proposing to her girlfriend this very night and was seeking our support. But the conversation soon turned to who or what Janie was.

She asked me if I am like this all year long and I explained to her, “Yeah! I’m not always a girl, but I’m sometimes a girl all the time.” (And, that’s the beautiful truth.)

That seemed to throw her a bit. She looked at my GF and said, “But she’s a man in bed, though.”

“Not always.”

“Huh?”

My GF laughed, knowingly.

Our new friend thought about the possibilities, especially from her lesbian point of view. “I guess it saves having to boil the strap-on,” said our new friend, cutting to the chase.

“Not always!” said my GF with a twinkle in her eye…

Going to the Hair Salon

Oh, it’s so exciting!

Today, I went into a hair salon with pictures of women’s hairstyles, and asked for a feminine cut! No hedging, no hemming no hawing.

The stylist looked a bit puzzled, but with my soft, reddish curls hanging all around my face in a clearly feminine way, albeit in desperate need of some styling, he went with it.

We discussed what was possible and what was recommended, and it wasn’t until after he had me in the chair, hair washed, that he asked me why I would want a feminine hairdo.

Sometimes we make so much out of so little… I have been to hair salons before, always as a guy, and the best I could muster was that I’d like something androgynous. That’s a fairly unassailable position, but I always ended up with a cut that was more masculine than I’d wanted. Even in San Francisco, where I showed up as a girl and asked for a cut that was feminine but could be managed into a serviceable masculine do, I got something that basically made me look like a guy.

This time, I decided I wanted a girl’s hairdo, so I never once mentioned any concern about wanting to look the slightest bit masculine – and he got the point, even if he didn’t understand why I would want that.

I suppose I should explain that I had no choice but to arrive dressed as a guy, given the appointments I had just prior. But even if I could have, I don’t think I’d have gone as Janie this time. If I hadn’t been able to make myself understood as wanting a girly ‘do this time, I probably would have gone for it next time. But, I always presume that showing up as Janie would really throw a new stylist for a bit of a loop – I’m worried that it might be too much to expect someone to take such an unusual character in stride without some preparation.

So, if possible, I like to ease into these things and let my particular nature slowly ease into someone’s consciousness.

In answer to his question, I just said, “It’s just something I like to do from time to time,” and that was the end of it! He never asked another thing about it.

Now that I have gotten my girly ‘do, I am so happy I could scream!

And, if I remain as enamored with it for the next few weeks, I expect that I will go back to this same stylist next time and bring him a photo of myself fully made up and dressed, making the most of his work! Ease ‘em in… that’s my approach…

If all goes well after that appointment, then I’ll feel free to show up as Janie from then on.

Infiltrating the Mainstream

I turned on the television this morning to a program called “TV Made Me Do It” and they were telling the story of a guy who dresses like a woman in order to add flamboyance to his life, and who wanted to try to sell a house dressed in a wild dress and 6-inch platform heels.

Flipping the channel, I came to a commercial for Family Guy, where he is dressed like a female prostitute…

Then, a commercial for popcorn, with a little girl sitting in her bedroom pretending to have a tea-party when her father and brother come in wanting to have some popcorn, and agree to put on a tutu and silly hat…

I was watching the 1968 Odd Couple movie when Oscar light-heartedly asks his friend for money, threatening if he doesn’t cough up, he’ll tell his wife he’s in Central Park wearing a dress.

These are a few examples that immediately come to mind of mainstream transgenderism all around. Can it be that it was always so and I just never noticed, or have things changed somewhat?

I know the Odd Couple quote is 40 years old, and of course, there’s the movie Some Like It Hot which was 9 years before that, but it seems to me that transgender stories are creeping into the newspapers and into current mainstream comedy with increasing frequency.

Or am I just more sensitive now that I am a t-girl?

Outed at the Airport

You think you have prepared for all eventualities, and then it happens…

I have done my best during the time I have been crossdressing to separate my real identity from Janie’s.

But, apparently, all it takes is some stupid airline gate agent who has nothing better to do at 5 o’clock in the morning than to announce people’s names and ask them to come to the desk to verify the information they have entered when checking in online.

WTF!

And, just to make matters worse, it seems Atlanta’s airport has the loudest and clearest P.A. system I’ve ever heard.

I’d have ignored her, but she kept repeating my name!

All of this would not have mattered except that just prior to these announcements, I had noticed a t-girl sitting in our gate whom I had met at the conference and who will be on our plane home.

So there you have it…

If she can remember my girl name, and put it together with what she has just heard, she’ll know more than I’d like. It’s really all up to her, but she has all the pieces of the puzzle I’d hoped to keep jumbled up and separated.

Let the “what-ifs” begin…

Gala Day at Southern Comfort

Big things were planned for Saturday, but it mostly ended up being a quiet day for me.

The pool party was confined indoors when the rains came back. This meant many people in a small, chlorine-smelling, humid area. Needless to say, I didn’t stay long – only long enough for a photo op.  (click to enlarge)

That evening was the gala ball. It is a rare treat to go to a black-tie event, especially when you get to wear a fancy gown. So, I took full advantage. The girls were all dressed so beautifully and the only thing missing was an army of handsome tuxedo-clad men to escort us. Oh, well!

The best part of the evening, though, again was simply sitting in the bar, mingling, meeting new people. We made a few new friends that night who might just turn out to be the most compatible with us of any we had met during the conference.

It’s funny, because the very same thing happened at Fantasia Fair last year!

 

Robin – the Gurl Wonder

In my last post, I started talking about Friday, but got lost and never found my way back.

The night’s event was a cocktail party and dinner with a heroes and heroines theme. We were asked to dress up as superheroes, but on a more serious note, to honor the real heroes that have touched our lives – community leaders, teachers, mentors, etc.

I hate to sound like a ditz, but I have to admit that I never got around to even considering the serious side of the evening. I did manage, however, to fish out from the depths of my closet a Robin costume that I can’t , for the life of me, figure out why I bought way back when.

Anyhow, Robin is in fact, as we all know, a girl’s name, and this was a pretty sexy girl version of Batman’s Boy Wonder’s outfit. Besides, Robin always looked like a weenie in his costume, didn’t he?

I was recruited to help check people’s tickets for the dinner, so I got to see everyone’s costume one by one as they entered. Wonder Woman was not as common as you might think, and there was at least one Condom Fairy. Batgirl and Catwoman showed up, as did a few X-Men characters. But about half the people chose not to dress in theme.

I didn’t last long at dinner as my mask started making my eyes tear, and I actually started not to feel right… not sure whether the stress was getting to me or the lack of sleep of what, but I decided to take a break and lie down in my room for a half an hour.

On the way up, I ran into a friend who was staying at the hotel but not participating in the conference per se; she just looked at me in my costume and laughed.

After my rest, I changed into something more appropriate for clubbing or partying, and went back down. There was supposed to be an outing to a club, but I guess I missed the boat. Instead, I got caught up in conversation with that friend and through her and her group, met a few others.

I had a great time sitting around catching up with the old and getting to know the new, and before we knew it, it was past 1am, and there was a suite party starting.

Well, as everyone knows, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and so it is with my friend. Suffice it to say, we continued our conversations upstairs in the midst of some edgy, somewhat raunchy company.

(click on the images for larger versions.)

Social Butterfly

Friday at Southern Comfort got a lot more crowded. By now, the sight of a massive group of t-girls seems more normal than not…

I spent a while at Starbucks, finding out how far behind in my emails I had fallen and trying to write up some of my experiences.

I was hoping to get some exercise and some shopping in, but no dice. To be honest, I just didn’t get up any desire to shop. Maybe it was sensory overload, I don’t know, but the urge just wasn’t there.

On some level, I am so overwhelmed that I don’t know what I feel. I haven’t been able to catch my breath. There are about 800 attendees at Southern Comfort, and meeting everyone is a large part of the event.

Truth be told, I am not much of a social butterfly. I want very much to make new friends, but meeting so many new people in such a short time, remembering their names and stories is a big challenge for me.

And, more to the point, I am not one who collects friends just to be able to say I have a lot. I want to really get to know some people and if I can make a few good friends, that would be priceless.

Everywhere I turned I found attractive, interesting and nice people. Plus, I am interested in hearing people’s stories because it helps me understand this phenomenon a bit better and understand myself a bit better.

Click for larger image. (Thanks to Kimberly for this shot.)

So, I made the effort to make conversation.

That’s hard for me at the best of times, but I also discovered that this group presents special challenges.

They say that if you want to facilitate conversation with someone, get them to talk about themselves. Well, if it works generally, it is exponentially more effective among trannies… who, it must be told, are often difficult to stop from talking about themselves.

The unfortunate consequence of that is that once you get them started on themselves, they are very forthcoming but will never ask you anything about yourself or your experience – probably for fear of having you go off in the same way…

I don’t mean to generalize – of course it doesn’t apply to everyone – but it did apply to a clear majority of people I talked to at the conference. Oh well, their loss; I am richer for hearing and knowing all these interesting stories.

Of course, I shouldn’t be so presumptuous as to discount the possibility that they simply didn’t find me interesting enough to care about my story.

But self-involved or just disinterested, there were so many people to meet that, even so, I’m sure I will get my handful of enduring friendships out of this event – and that’s all I could ask for!

Friends Old and New

We’ve just returned to our room from a two-hour talk with a fascinating older couple from Texas.

It’s amazing the type of people you meet at this place. It was pointed out to me that crossdressers are, in the vast majority, successful and educated people. The time and thought and open-mindedness required to be a CD makes this true. Transsexuals are another matter entirely.

It is an interesting theory, supported by the sampling of people I have met at this event, though Fantasia Fair last year was quite different. Then again, it may be that there were many more transsexuals there. I don’t know.

In the course of the evening, I met a girl who dresses only once or twice a year, and another who dresses once a week on average and who had never before been out in public in the decades she’s been crossdressing.

I don’t know how common these stories are, though I suspect the second one is more usual than the first, but both require a substantially different mindset than mine.

I would never even begin to judge another girl, because I know how personal and sensitive this experience can be. Everyone’s story is unique, shaped by their own particular personality and circumstances. These girls just prove that point; very time I meet a group of girls, I hear a new story, and often some that I cannot have imagined.

But, I can’t help having questions. I still want to understand how she could stand putting all that effort into dressing, only to walk up and down the hall and then have to change back. Wouldn’t it be better just to give it up altogether? My curiosity aside, will she be able to go back to her previous situation now that she has been out?

Some girls develop a rich internet friend network which helps immensely with the social aspect of all this. It also helps people see others with common challenges. I think she has done this too.

As for the girl who dresses only once or twice a year, it s clearly a special-occasion type of activity. I wonder how often she thinks about it, or thinks like a girl or feels like a girl in between…

This was also a day for reacquaintances. I was especially happy to run into a friend from my Las Vegas trip and someone who I respect and think highly of. It was heartwarming to have her greet us so enthusiastically and affectionately. We picked up right where we left off in May… I hope to see her for dinner on Saturday and get to know her better.

The lowdown on the conference so far for me is this: the food is passable but overpriced – you can do better in the food court across the street, but the experience of sitting at a table with a different bunch of girls each day and making friends is priceless. The one course I attended was, frankly, a waste of my time; perhaps here are those who might benefit… I don’t know, but everything seemed a bit elementary and obvious to me.    

Southern Comfort Debutante

Well, the Coke thingie was just what I expected. Crass commercialism of the best kind – a product with a cult-like following. Best of all, a few nice photo ops.

When we returned to the hotel, we realized that we had better hustle to get into mingling mode if we wanted to enjoy any of the social aspect of this conference. So, a quick change, makeup touch-up and out we went.

When we arrived at the bar, I spied two girls I recognized from last year’s Fantasia Fair. So we went over and chatted them up, and ordered a couple of drinks. It was nice to see two old friends – a funny term for people we had met only for a few days last year, but such is the nature of friend-making at these events – and we talked for a while about the changes and developments since our first meeting.

Jen, who is now a woman full-time, was the one who first told me her little joke: what’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual? 3 years. This she had told me at Fantasia about 10 minutes after we had first met, and right after I told her that I had just started and the one concern my girlfriend had was that she might lose the male part of me. My gf laughed nervously then, but so far there hasn’t been any truth to its message, at least in my life… on the other hand, Jen transitioned almost exactly on schedule according to her joke.

As I surveyed the room, I noticed another familiar face – this one I had seen only on my computer screen. Kimberly and I had exchanged a few messages online and reading her posts I knew her to be pretty, outgoing, funny, talented and well liked. So, I excused myself and went over and introduced myself.

These girls were so great! (Left to right, Dita, me, Kimberly and Terree)

 

She was sitting at a table with two other girls, laughing and having a great time. They immediately welcomed me and invited me to take the fourth seat.

It sure felt good to sit down… during the day, I had walked just a little too far in my cute little booties, and had made the mistake of not wearing socks, so the last thing I wanted was to walk anywhere in heels that night. I hadn’t had dinner and expected to have to go out for some food, but sitting there with these great girls, laughing and talking, and being in Atlanta, Georgia, after all, I resolved to adopt the attitude of Gone With The Wind’s Scarlett, and decided, “I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

Dita is a tall girl with a German accent, a very girly sense of style, lovely eyes and an outgoing personality. She loves herself and is full of positive energy, which makes her all the more attractive. She has met so many people online – and turned a fair number into real-world friends – that I want to take a course from her on the subject. Who but Dita could manage to walk onto a plane, in her own inimitable way, smiling at the first-class passengers and later in the flight have a drink arrive courtesy of an admirer from up front?

Terree is such a friendly and sweet girl who makes everyone feel at ease. She was the first girl I met who has never been mesmerized by her own emerging feminine image enough to constantly be looking at herself or taking pictures. Maybe that’s a sign of maturity or self-confidence… I don’t know, but whatever it is, I don’t have it…

Turns out, this table was the center of the universe, so to speak. We just had to sit there and have fun, and others came by and visited. I managed to meet a fair number of other girls as a result, each and every one an appealing personality. I was even surprised by another Fantasia friend who passed by later in the evening, a tall South African beauty named Diane. I look forward to running into all of them during the course of the weekend and getting to know them better.

I cannot stress enough the amazing way these conferences create friendships. Diane and I had fifteen minutes of time together in Fantasia last year, yet each of us remembers the other and is pleased as punch to have the chance to reminisce and renew acquaintances year later. I’ve never had that experience in the “real world.”

Eventually, Kimberly and Terree went off to a suite party for a time, but amazingly, even without those two larger-than-life personalities, our table didn’t miss a beat! They were replaced by Kahlan, who turns out to be a friend of Dita’s, JoAnne, who is also member of the same site as Kimberly, Gina – a friendly, soft-spoken girl, Kelly, Ginger, Stephanie and on and on…

When they returned, Terree was a little miffed. Apparently she had a run-in with a humorless girl from Diva Las Vegas (is that redundant?). She and Kimberly recounted the episode, with Kimberly doing her impression of this unidentified sourpuss listening to this joke. I’m not sure who was funnier, but here’s the joke: what’s the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is with a feather; kinky is with a chicken!

I thought it was funny!

I stayed at that table for the rest of the night until 4am and even managed to get some decent food delivered right to me, so I didn’t even have to go hungry. “As God is my witness…”

Hello Sunshine!

News to Me

I have heard that Chicago is a dangerous city, only to find it to be one of the most friendly and hospitable places I have ever visited. I have heard that Washington DC is the murder capital of America, but found it to be beautiful and no scarier than any other place. And now, I heard something about the persistent rainfall threatening to submerge the city of Atlanta, but have arrived here today to a beautiful and sunny day, though admittedly a bit humid for my taste. I am told by the hotel front deskman that it was equally beautiful yesterday.

I don’t doubt all the facts reported in all the above cases are true, but it is also true that anyone who is unfortunate enough to be cooped up at home and forced to get her facts from the television has no clue about reality on the ground. News outlets are in the business of selling news, so reality which is usually unremarkable has to be ‘punched up’ a bit.

It is an unfortunate side-effect of improved access to information that our perceptions are so distorted. Parents afraid to let their kids walk anywhere alone, women scared of their own shadow on the streets, the elderly terrified of everything… and all the while our society has gotten statistically a great deal safer!

End of rant…

First Impressions

I haven’t seen anything quite like it… I arrived at the hotel this morning, and there were a bunch of people enjoying the patio – all t-girls. I entered the hotel lobby and, as I scanned the vast room, there were the usual clusters of people – at the café, at the business center, and the front desk, by the phones, getting on or off the elevators – most every one a t-girl.

This hotel is quite a ways outside the center of town and quite isolated. It is also massive and sits across the street from an even more enormous strip mall which, notwithstanding its apparent proximity, begs the use of a car or shuttle.

It is no accident that this hotel was chosen for the conference. Many of the girls I saw were clearly not going to pass as female in the real world, even if they optimized their make-up skills, and many of these are quite scared to venture out, but a bit suffocated at home.

Like everyone else, t-girls crave acceptance and interpersonal interaction, and wish to avoid conflict, rejection, harassment and danger. This hotel allows those who don’t feel comfortable in public to be their feminine selves, make friends, share experiences, concerns etc., all in a safe environment.

Next is lunch at the Flying Biscuit Café and then I’m off the visit the Coke Museum. See ya!

Atlant-is

Like the legendary Atlantis, the modern Georgian city of the ironically similar name finds itself largely under water these days.

No joke this predicament… several people have died and property losses are substantial. Schools were closed today as authorities tried to catch up to the problem, and a state of emergency was declared.

And, for a topper, rain is expected every day from now through the weekend.

Which begs the question: why on earth am I getting on a plane and flying right on in there?

Well, I called the hotel and they assure me everything’s ok despite CNN’s caterwauling. The Southern Conference Chairwoman likewise has soothing words for prospective attendees.

So, I’m still going. I hope they’re right!

Southern Comfort

I’ve done a cursory review of the events going on at this week’s transgender conference in Atlanta, known as Southern Comfort, and my first and most obvious conclusion is that I’ve got an awful lot of packing to do.

This is apparently the largest convention of its kind, with nearly a thousand attendees from all over the globe. There are seminars and vendors and planned activities, as well as a few nice parties planned.

Among other things, there’s a pool party, a karaoke party, a jaunt to a dance club, bowling, and a formal event.

And, there will be a heroes and heroines cocktail party and dinner… which is not just about dressing up as Wonder Woman (though there will be that, and it will be fun), but about honoring those people in our lives to whom we have looked up and from whom we have learned and taken strength.

The conference is housed entirely within the walls of one hotel, though there are outings to town. In this way, it is as safe an environment for the shyest among us – not having to interact with the public yet having the freedom to “go out.” I’ll bet that will be a great thrill for those who are scared to go out, and a perfect first step.

I’m hoping to meet some new people and make some new friends, as well as renew some acquaintances.

Well, it’s back to the closet and the suitcases for me… I’ll let you know how things are going from Atlanta, if I have time, otherwise, when I return.

Torture Garden

I had intended to go to Montreal this coming weekend for the fetish extravaganza being put on there by Torture Garden, straight from Europe. But, unfortunately, a family emergency scuttled those plans.

So, I did the next best thing and decided to go to their party here in Toronto, last weekend.

Oh, but there is a mile and a half between deciding and actually following through, and I didn’t quite make it.

The weekend started off in a promising enough fashion, and my girlfriend and I went down to the Kick-Off party for Toronto’s fetish weekend. We dressed in our finest fetish wear and braved the pouring rain to see what all the fuss was about.

I was really impressed with the elaborate costumes of the partiers, and the music was pretty good – for club music (never have been a big fan, but I’m getting used to it). It didn’t take 2 minutes before a cute, shirtless guy started chatting me up, but I dare say he found out mid-conversation that I wasn’t exactly his type, if you know what I mean.

Loud music puts me in a quandary, because my girl voice can absolutely not be heard over the din, and if I shout like a man… well, then cute shirtless boys get a message I didn’t really want to send. I resolved from that moment not to say another word to anyone, and should someone approach me, I’d put my finger across my lips in that “Shh, don’t speak” way and, through physical gesture, invite them to send their message silently through movement.

I am happy to report that our shirtless dude was apparently misled by – of all things – my figure – what a nice compliment! After figuring things out, he professed a bit of wonder that I had what appeared to him to be… hips. As I don’t enhance that part of my body artificially, I was pleased as punch to hear it. Yay!

Also, dude did return later in an attempt to solicit some lovin’ from my girlfriend, presuming I’m sure that with her ample and prominently displayed bosom, he’d not be making the same mistake twice. Sad for him that he would have had a better chance with me… hee, hee!

The crowd was elaborately costumed and very attractive, for the most part. Everyone was having a good time. Well, except for this one girl I saw walking around in a trance, very much like someone who was utterly stoned or drunk. She didn’t really know what kind of time she was having…

I danced for a while and then took in the spectacle of it all.

One particularly appealing scene, in the middle of the crowded dancefloor, involved a tall guy in heels, bizarre leggings and headgear lifting up this girl he’d just met… she wrapped her legs around his waist and let her torso arch backward as he bounced her around… then he lifted her higher until she had her legs over his shoulders and her crotch in his face, with her body freely laying backward and now held by another guy as they all danced together.

Not that I wouldn’t have enjoyed being handled that way, myself… but the fact is – and I regret to say it – that, taking the whole party scene in, I think I may be on the verge of being a bit too old and decrepit for this kind of stuff.

Aside from that raunchy dancing, which I’m not entirely sure I could have physically managed, I noticed naked men bent over a flogging horse being smacked in the ass (see above photo, background -click to enlarge), event flags evocative of the Nazi emblem (see above photo – click to enlarge) – which I found upsetting, and kids half my age who’ve spent many hundreds of dollars on their fabulous outfits and yet more on their outlandish hair, tattoos and piercings, all of which made me feel like a bit of a cheapskate and an interloper.

As a t-girl, I’m always a little hesitant to approach people in a sexually charged environment for fear of rejection. It’s probably just personal insecurity, but that’s me! Nevertheless, it is even more profound a feeling in this fetish scene, which I don’t pretend to fully understand, having just been introduced to it. I’m trying to learn my way around.

To be honest, a lot of this stuff seems to me to be youthful rebelliousness and money-squandering, and that makes me feel like someone’s parent. I certainly cannot compete with these people’s youth, innocence, recklessness or extravagance. But I can enjoy it, nevertheless, for what it’s worth. The party was great and there were so many astoundingly good-looking people there all having a great time that it was hard not to enjoy things and enjoy the eye-candy.

The thought of doing it again the next night, when these people would up the ante significantly, left me a bit awestruck.

Still, I fully intended on doing it until I managed to torque my back that morning and spend the rest of the day on the couch, in pain. Even the mere thought of that guy dancing with that girl hanging by her legs from his neck left me feeling very, very old.

All Mixed Up

Y’know, I have always been one to want to keep my male and female sides separate. There is much to discuss on the merits or demerits of

Click to enlarge

mixing genders – feminine masculinity and masculine femininity – but I’ll leave those for another time.

Right now, I am talking about my personal efforts to be a real guy when I’m a guy, and a girly girl when I’m Jane. This requires, for me, a change not only of clothing but mindset, and so, I prefer to be Janie in as large blocks of time as life will permit, and my male self likewise in big chunks of time.

I would much rather have Janie days and guy days, and but I have to take my Janie time when it’s there, which is here a few hours and there a few hours; It doesn’t tend to come in full-day blocks, as any gurl will confirm.

This makes things very hard for me, and I have found myself in guy mode thinking like Janie and vice versa – and I don’t approve of that one single bit!

Also, my lovely girlfriend rarely gets a full day with her man… there’s always Janie getting her time in. And I think she needs that break, to spend time with her man without interference from the new woman in our lives.

So, I am starting to get the sense that I am going to have to block off time for him, time that Jane is not allowed to invade. I have to make a point of arranging dates in male mode with my girlfriend that revolve primarily around, well… trying to get into her pants by taking her to shows or nice dinners or even art galleries and museums (horror!).

That kind of wholesome fun is what she craves and needs… and it’s probably good for my own sanity as well.

We are both just feeling our way through this whole thing as it happens, so touching home base once in a while – for a solid block of time – is a good idea. And, lucky for my male side, it is really easy to schedule those times for him. Janie doesn’t have that privilege.